I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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