Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
