I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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