Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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