I got chris browned last night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
