when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
