I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
