I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
