my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
