Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
