If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
