i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
