The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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