apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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