From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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