All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
