Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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