They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
