i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
