1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
