It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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