That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
