Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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