I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
