I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish you could order shots online.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
