Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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