i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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