i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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