I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Sacagawea was the original milf.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
