You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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