Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
