Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
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I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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