he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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