I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
