he shaved USA in his pubs
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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