you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
