I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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