I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
