Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
