What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
50% drunk capacity currently
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
