What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
