Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
