spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
