Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
