Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
