The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is Oprah even human
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
