Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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