he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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