Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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