Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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