someone get that fucking seahorse.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just googled if crying burns calories
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
