apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
