Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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