yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
