dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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